Path of Transitioning

Long Over-Due

sikun198 — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:03:14 -0400

Finally, i’ve set aside some time to write another post. A lot has been going on and I hadn’t had the time or desire to do anything much other than go to work, come home, and sleep. The stresses of day-to-day life were starting to become too great but things are starting to look up. After seeing my therapist for a couple of months now, yesterday, she told me she was going to write the recommendation letter for Testosterone! This giant step forward has me reeling with all sorts of emotions that I didn’t think were possible to feel all at once.

Joy that had me almost in tears of happiness. Anxiety of how to approach my parents with this information. Hope that everything would turn out alright in the end. And it will. One way or another, things will move forward. Now all that is left is to contact an endocrinologist and make an appointment on that front. I’ll be continuing to see my therapist once every month or so after starting T to help with the changes that it’ll bring.

On a side note, I found a nifty little invention for the shorter folk that might want to add a few inches to their height. Including myself. They’re called “Super Height Air Cushion 5cm Shoe Lift” made by LOVE BOAT. From the reviews i’ve seen, they work well and are rather comfortable. I’ll be ordering a pair soon since I can’t wear my boots at work and the loss of the inches it provides is a bit discouraging. It wouldn’t hurt to have the extra cushion for my feet as well as my slip on airwalks are thin once broken in. You can feel just about every bump and nook in the floor when you walk.

I hope you’ve all had a wonderful weekend and Muscle Monday! (I had no muscles to show off. :P)

- Christopher R. C.

Okay so you pass some of the time? What am I doing wrong? I'm 6ft tall, wear all mens clothing, bind, actually had a reduction and I'm getting "revisions" if I masculinize my chest naturally... had 5 pounds of meat removed, and I'm still wanting an eventual second surgery... I go by a male name, I go to a barber not a salon, I have a low voice for a girl, I don't wear make up, I pay in cash so they don't see the name on my credit card, I don't tweeze my eyebrows, but I pass like 5% of the time

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 19:17:58 -0500

Yes, I do. Hm, to be honest- I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. But I can’t tell what might be giving people the impression that you’re female rather than male without actually seeing a picture or seeing for myself. But I can offer some advice that I can only hope helps. Depending on your hairstyle, it can hide feminizing features or unfortunately, over expose them. Which is why I don’t suggest a crew cut to those who aren’t on T or don’t have very masculine features in the face.

Attitude goes a long way. If you feel constantly uncomfortable and looking around; wondering if everyone who passes by thinks if you’re male- it’s going to be hard to act like yourself. If you don’t already, just relax and if they mistake you for a woman- just let it roll off. I actually smile a bit sometimes and tell them that i’m flattered they think i’m that pretty but i’m a man. But then again, I like to fluster people. n.n;;

Also, the style of clothing you wear might be male but might not be helping matters. Try different types of fits, it could make a difference. As I said, I can only guess at what might be the issue. But I wish you the best of luck and feel free to message anytime if you have a question.

- Christopher R. C.

Tri-Top Binder Review

sikun198 — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:58:00 -0500

I figure it’s time to do a review for the binder I own, the Tri-Top, 983, by Underworks. Originally, I was very weary of buying a binder. I didn’t want to waste the money only to find that it wouldn’t work as well as I had hoped. Or worse, not at all. I needed something that would get me flat, keep me flat, but not roll up around my hips or stomach. So, after doing a bit of research, the Tri-Top seemed the best route to go for those needs.

Now, while it doesn’t roll up around my hips or stomach, it does roll up around my ribs due to having a rather large rib-cage. But it isn’t as uncomfortable as it sounds. I barely notice it while going about my day to day tasks. Only after I take it off at the end of the day do I notice any discomfort I might have been experiencing. Mainly the red marks around my sides, they itch a bit. Otherwise, it is rather comfortable around my back, chest, and shoulders.

The flatness I get from the Tri-Top is usually pretty good from the front view, but from the side? I have to hunch over way too much if i’m not wearing some kind of sweatshirt or vest so it does tend to look like i’m hiding something. Or like i’m the Hunchback of notre dame. But I figure that might be the same with any binder I would get so it’s something i’ll have to live with until surgery.

The durability of the Tri-Top depends on how well you take care of it in my opinion, i’ve owned three so far in the past two years. They last a while for me and I wear them everyday, 12 hours a day. I even still have the first one I bought as a back up in case I can’t find the more recent one or if I just need to run out to the nearest 7-11 as it still works okay with a baggy t-shirt.

When they were new, I needed to step into them and pull them over my hips rather than being able to just pull them over my head like a shirt. And they were TIGHT! Just the way I like it. After a while, I could finally pull them over my head with little difficulty. I recommend pulling them over your head once able as to not stretch it out more than needed to keep the life-span longer. The only issue I do have once it gets a bit more worn is that you can see the outline of it underneath my shirts from time to time.

Now, for my ratings.

______________________________

Measurements: 40 D

Size: Medium

Comfort: 5/5

Discreetness: 3/5

Effectiveness: 4/5

Overall: 4/5

______________________________

I do hope this helps with anyone looking to buy their first binder and wish you the best of luck! If anyone has any questions regarding the Tri-Top that I didn’t address in my post, feel free to send a question.

- Christopher R. C.

Doing Something For Myself

sikun198 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:22:03 -0500

These past few days have been a roller coaster ride of emotions and hell but it did help me realize something. I do not spoil myself enough. For no reason, I’d rather stay in the house than go out with friends and have a good time. I’ll go out to buy new clothes and come home with maybe one thing. Though that could also be due to my being extremely picky but still, it would be nice to come home with a few things once in a while as my wardrobe was starting to become the equivalent of wash, rinse, repeat. Or to go out and just hang out until 1 AM with some close friends.

So, after realizing this I suited up in my seven year old pants with more holes in the crotch than I really feel comfortable saying, an old band tee, and sweatshirt before heading on over to the mall. It took a while but finally found something I liked but didn’t feel comfortable wearing completely. It looked nice but was more form fitting than I was used to. But, I sucked it up and bought it. It was neat, cheap, and I needed a shirt. To say the least, it’s become one of my favorites.

The next time I went, a few days later- I completely surprised myself. Not only did I come home with one thing, I came home with a lot of things. All the things I’ve had been looking at, debating if I should buy them or not, deciding not, and putting it back for “next time”. Well, it was next time and I wasn’t tight on cash for once. So, in the pretty plastic bag with a receipt they went. Treated myself to a new look, a nice hair cut, and phoned up a friend who has been trying to get me to bowl for god only knows how long. By the way, I completely suck at bowling. She beat me every time. But I did get a pretty sexy score of 69. All in all, these past few days have been good for me. Even with the bad. Sometimes it takes a little nudge to learn how to love yourself again.

- Christopher R. C.

When it’s time, you’ll know. And you’ll leave...

sikun198 — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:17:06 -0500

When it’s time, you’ll know. And you’ll leave them all in awe.

And some days I just feel like smiling.

sikun198 — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:51:57 -0500

And some days I just feel like smiling.

My First Session

sikun198 — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 08:22:00 -0500

On the 16th, I had my first session with an online gender therapist. I was so nervous, excited, and curious as to what it was going to be like. All rolled into a ball of paranoia. But I think it went pretty well as far as introductions go. We didn’t get into anything major, just talked until I felt more comfortable with them. It wasn’t too hard since they were laid back and very nice. I tend to be a very nit-pick typist when I’m nervous. Making sure everything is 100% perfect and taking FOREVER to do it. Kind of counter-productive when on the clock. Though I hope my RP-Buddies appreciate it in my posts. (Hi, Lisa! :D)

So, we made another appointment date for the 30th. Unfortunately due to my lack of money (no insurance either) and their large case load, I can only see them every other week. But I can already feel the nerves tensing. Can’t help but think, “Now that the introductions are out of the way, what are the other sessions going to be like?” We did talk a bit about some of the goals I had towards the end so maybe more about that and ways to go about doing it perhaps. And although I’m nervous, I’m also incredibly happy that I finally got started on moving forward with my transition.

Best of luck to those who are in similar boats as I am and remember to stay strong! It’ll happen.

- Christopher R. C.

Can a frown make a difference?

sikun198 — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 23:16:58 -0500

Today while at work, I was having a rather off mood and everything just seemed to annoy me. My hair wouldn’t stop falling into my eyes (time for a hair cut), every time I went to go do something, a swarm of customers came, which in turn had me running around in circles for eight hours, and I was extremely tired. But something didn’t fail to catch my attention.

Whenever I’m frowning, I seem to be addressed as Sir or He more than when I’m smiling or in a good mood. Once I realized this, it kind of threw me for a loop and raised the question in my mind. What makes people see me as male when i’m all sorts of pissed off rather than female? Are men more commonly thought of as unhappy than women are?

Now I’m not going to constantly look like I have a stick up my bum or put myself in a bad mood just to be thought of as biologically male but I do find it interesting and something to ponder over. I had one customer that addressed me as She yesterday but then came back today and once approaching the counter- stopped, stared, then apologized if they embarrassed me. He then proceeded to call me He, shake my hand, and then went on his way. This actually lifted up my mood quite a bit. And then all the She’s came piling up.

So.. All in all, you win some and you lose some but I try to keep in mind that one day I will have more masculine features and a hella good looking gotee.

- Christopher R. C.

Hi! My name is Jazmin. I read your recent post on finally finding a therapist. Congratulations, bro! I'm happy for you. Now your long process can commence. On the same page, my boyfriend is also on the search for a therapist. He's 18 and just came out to his mom, who was understanding but non-supportive. I had read a little bit about online therapist, too, and like you, I immediately thought it was a scam. I was wondering if maybe you can pretty please refer me to some sites you found on online?

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:12:40 -0500

Hi, Jazmin. Thank you for the congratulations! It really is very exciting and i’ve been waiting for it for quite a long time now. As for referring to some websites- I would not mind sharing some of the places, information resources, and online counseling websites i’ve looked into at all. It would be my pleasure.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/Therapists.html

http://www.brandnewdaycounseling.com/

Those are lists of gender therapists all over the the U.S.A. as well as web counseling. I wish for the best of luck to your boyfriend and to remember that close only counts in horse-shoes and hand-grenades. Because bad counseling isn’t better than no counseling in my opinion.

Thank you for the question, hope my answer and the links are helpful.

- Christopher R. C.

Finding a therapist!

sikun198 — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 13:27:00 -0500

After what seemed like forever and a day, i’ve finally found someone who would be able to not only help and write recommendation letters but won’t break my very small bank. Yay! And the best part about it is, it’s online. That’s right. Online. At first when I read about online therapy, the first thing that came to mind was, “Scam.”. But after seeing a lot of good reviews/blogs that highly recommend this particular person and emailing them, it seemed like the most logical thing someone in my position could do. I do not drive yet (issues with the car and other annoying tid bits) and the most qualified person in my area is pretty far away. And cabs are.. well.. Let’s just say, 15 dollars for two miles then times that by about 10.. Each way. Yeah, no thanks.

But anyway, we’re going to be setting up the first appointment soon but there is a waiting list of about two to three weeks. Which I don’t mind waiting a bit longer if it means starting something i’ve been waiting to start for a very long time. I’m extremely excited, it almost feels like it isn’t real. All I need to do is talk with my manager about setting aside at least one set day for me to have off since my hours when I am working are all over the place. But then it’s show time.

This paycheck will probably be the most fulfilling one I will ever have as it will be used to go for finalizing my name change, starting therapy, and saving money to go to my fiancee. A lot of life changing events happening all with a single piece of paper. And I might throw in a new binder while i’m at it.. Seems to go with the whole theme and my tri-top is wearing out.

I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday and a Happy New Year! I know I will.

- Christopher R. C.

My Coming Out Letter

sikun198 — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 12:12:00 -0500

This is the coming out letter I wrote to all of my family and friends. Posted it on facebook since that’s where they would most likely see it. Though it was a good way to get it out there all in one shot, I was extremely nervous about doing it. But afterwards- It definitely brought some positive results. Maybe those who are having trouble finding the words to come out to their friends and family can find at least a bit of help from this.

_______________________

    I know not everyone will see this- they might skip over it in favor of another post with cute or funny images but I’m hoping that the people who I care about the most will take the time to read it. I’ve never been very good with words. Nor have I been very good with people but what I can do is write. I feel the most confident when I’m writing.

    Growing up, I never played with Barbie’s and never had tea parties like the other girls. I had my Chucky doll and the dirt outside to play with. I dreamed of discovering new dinosaurs the world has never seen in my own backyard… Still working on that. I never liked to wear skirts, dresses, or high heels. I enjoyed my sneakers that were covered in grass stains and my baggy boy clothing. I didn’t have many friends but that was okay. I preferred to be alone, that was where I could be myself. I mostly wrote poems, short stories, and I won’t lie- they didn’t always stay on paper. Most of them wound up on my wall and a few other places. Sorry about that, ma. I’ll buy a new door for the room, I promise.

    Later I discovered the wonders of the computer and the internet. And along with that, a whole new world opened up for me where I could close off the outside but still be a part of it in some way. And along with that, role playing came into my life. I spent countless nights writing stories of demons with multiple personalities, men who struggled with day to day life, and creatures who only want to be with their own kind. But these stories were not written alone. Far from it.

    With the other people who came into the chat room, ties were born and the characters developed. It felt good to be someone else for a while and over the year and a half I spent writing, my character Yun grew. But I was in a stand still. I wasn’t who I wanted to be, who I NEEDED to be. Something was still… very wrong. But I wasn’t sure what it was. But after seeing a documentary on gender issues, everything just clicked into place for me.

   For the past year or so, I’m sure a lot of you have noticed some changes going on. I stopped wearing eyeliner, cut my hair, started using the name Chris, etc. etc. And I apologize if it’s been confusing. It’s been confusing for me too. Or at least it was at first. But I’ve finally decided what I am going to do and this decision hasn’t come without a great deal of prior thought, research, and pondering through the nights. All of these questions I had in my head and time spent thinking came to these three things.

   #1. I am transgendered. #2. I am going to transition. And #3. I’ve never been happier with myself. You may not agree with what I am doing and you don’t have to like it. All I ask is just that you respect it. I am not She, Her and Hers. I am He, Him, and His. I am not Christa but Christopher. And I am no longer afraid. I have a beautiful girlfriend who respects and supports me, I have friends who support and care for me, and I’m praying that my family will do the same. Thank you for reading and although I don’t require your approval, I do wish for it. And I can only hope you understand.

- Christopher R. C.

Hey man, how are you? Just got a quick question, how have you dealt with your parents? I'm having a rough time with mine right now and everyone keeps telling me to be patient with them accepting me, but it's driving me nuts. Thanks, Joe.

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:07:37 -0500

Hi there. I’m doing alright, thank you. And yourself? As for how i’ve dealt with my parents, it’s had it’s ups and downs. For the most part, I have been patient with them and given them some time to sort through the information by themselves.

The last thing I want to do is shove something at them and expect it to be okay. But sometimes, you do need to push. Hint that it’s going to happen whether or not you have their approval but you’d still like it. Just need to know when it’s appropriate and when to back off. At least that’s my take on it.

Thank you for the question and I hope my answer helps. :3

- Chris

Some days are darker than others.

sikun198 — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:24:00 -0500

Some days are darker than others.

The hardest part: Acceptance

sikun198 — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 09:22:00 -0500

Part One: Mom

During the past year and a half, I believe the hardest part about transitioning is the social acceptance that I feel the need to have. Not by everyone, no. That would be impossible and a waste of time as there will always be one that doesn’t agree. And that’s fine. But by my family, my friends. Those who are closest to me in my life. That is who I wish to tell me that they’ll be by my side and take me for who I am.

Bringing up the conversation that I was going to transition with my mom was one of the strangest moments. It bounced between shock, acceptance, then denial. But eventually, she came to terms with it. Now, we’ve never been very close before so talking about something so life changing wasn’t exactly easy. It had been years since we exchanged ‘I love you’s’ or even hugs. But what she said after I told her I was finding a therapist for myself, completely threw me off. And while I wouldn’t show it, there were tears of joy. Her words were, “Whatever you choose to do, i’ll still love you. Remember that, okay?”

I believe recent events have brought us closer. Probably not as close as we should be but I think we’re getting there. Slowly but surely. She’s been helping with my name change papers and with finding the right person to seek therapy from(still haven’t found someone local to go to yet). Time will tell how things go from here. I just hope things go as well with my Dad as they have with her.