Path of Transitioning
The road I travel and journey I face.
Long Over-Due
Finally, i’ve set aside some time to write another post. A lot has been going on and I hadn’t had the time or desire to do anything much other than go to work, come home, and sleep. The stresses of day-to-day life were starting to become too great but things are starting to look up. After seeing my therapist for a couple of months now, yesterday, she told me she was going to write the recommendation letter for Testosterone! This giant step forward has me reeling with all sorts of emotions that I didn’t think were possible to feel all at once.
Joy that had me almost in tears of happiness. Anxiety of how to approach my parents with this information. Hope that everything would turn out alright in the end. And it will. One way or another, things will move forward. Now all that is left is to contact an endocrinologist and make an appointment on that front. I’ll be continuing to see my therapist once every month or so after starting T to help with the changes that it’ll bring.
On a side note, I found a nifty little invention for the shorter folk that might want to add a few inches to their height. Including myself. They’re called “Super Height Air Cushion 5cm Shoe Lift” made by LOVE BOAT. From the reviews i’ve seen, they work well and are rather comfortable. I’ll be ordering a pair soon since I can’t wear my boots at work and the loss of the inches it provides is a bit discouraging. It wouldn’t hurt to have the extra cushion for my feet as well as my slip on airwalks are thin once broken in. You can feel just about every bump and nook in the floor when you walk.
I hope you’ve all had a wonderful weekend and Muscle Monday! (I had no muscles to show off. :P)
- Christopher R. C.
oncecolourful asked: Okay so you pass some of the time? What am I doing wrong? I'm 6ft tall, wear all mens clothing, bind, actually had a reduction and I'm getting "revisions" if I masculinize my chest naturally... had 5 pounds of meat removed, and I'm still wanting an eventual second surgery... I go by a male name, I go to a barber not a salon, I have a low voice for a girl, I don't wear make up, I pay in cash so they don't see the name on my credit card, I don't tweeze my eyebrows, but I pass like 5% of the time
Yes, I do. Hm, to be honest- I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. But I can’t tell what might be giving people the impression that you’re female rather than male without actually seeing a picture or seeing for myself. But I can offer some advice that I can only hope helps. Depending on your hairstyle, it can hide feminizing features or unfortunately, over expose them. Which is why I don’t suggest a crew cut to those who aren’t on T or don’t have very masculine features in the face.
Attitude goes a long way. If you feel constantly uncomfortable and looking around; wondering if everyone who passes by thinks if you’re male- it’s going to be hard to act like yourself. If you don’t already, just relax and if they mistake you for a woman- just let it roll off. I actually smile a bit sometimes and tell them that i’m flattered they think i’m that pretty but i’m a man. But then again, I like to fluster people. n.n;;
Also, the style of clothing you wear might be male but might not be helping matters. Try different types of fits, it could make a difference. As I said, I can only guess at what might be the issue. But I wish you the best of luck and feel free to message anytime if you have a question.
- Christopher R. C.
Tri-Top Binder Review
I figure it’s time to do a review for the binder I own, the Tri-Top, 983, by Underworks. Originally, I was very weary of buying a binder. I didn’t want to waste the money only to find that it wouldn’t work as well as I had hoped. Or worse, not at all. I needed something that would get me flat, keep me flat, but not roll up around my hips or stomach. So, after doing a bit of research, the Tri-Top seemed the best route to go for those needs.
Now, while it doesn’t roll up around my hips or stomach, it does roll up around my ribs due to having a rather large rib-cage. But it isn’t as uncomfortable as it sounds. I barely notice it while going about my day to day tasks. Only after I take it off at the end of the day do I notice any discomfort I might have been experiencing. Mainly the red marks around my sides, they itch a bit. Otherwise, it is rather comfortable around my back, chest, and shoulders.
The flatness I get from the Tri-Top is usually pretty good from the front view, but from the side? I have to hunch over way too much if i’m not wearing some kind of sweatshirt or vest so it does tend to look like i’m hiding something. Or like i’m the Hunchback of notre dame. But I figure that might be the same with any binder I would get so it’s something i’ll have to live with until surgery.
The durability of the Tri-Top depends on how well you take care of it in my opinion, i’ve owned three so far in the past two years. They last a while for me and I wear them everyday, 12 hours a day. I even still have the first one I bought as a back up in case I can’t find the more recent one or if I just need to run out to the nearest 7-11 as it still works okay with a baggy t-shirt.
When they were new, I needed to step into them and pull them over my hips rather than being able to just pull them over my head like a shirt. And they were TIGHT! Just the way I like it. After a while, I could finally pull them over my head with little difficulty. I recommend pulling them over your head once able as to not stretch it out more than needed to keep the life-span longer. The only issue I do have once it gets a bit more worn is that you can see the outline of it underneath my shirts from time to time.
Now, for my ratings.
______________________________
- Measurements: 40 D
- Size: Medium
- Comfort: 5/5
- Discreetness: 3/5
- Effectiveness: 4/5
- Overall: 4/5
______________________________
I do hope this helps with anyone looking to buy their first binder and wish you the best of luck! If anyone has any questions regarding the Tri-Top that I didn’t address in my post, feel free to send a question.
- Christopher R. C.
Doing Something For Myself
These past few days have been a roller coaster ride of emotions and hell but it did help me realize something. I do not spoil myself enough. For no reason, I’d rather stay in the house than go out with friends and have a good time. I’ll go out to buy new clothes and come home with maybe one thing. Though that could also be due to my being extremely picky but still, it would be nice to come home with a few things once in a while as my wardrobe was starting to become the equivalent of wash, rinse, repeat. Or to go out and just hang out until 1 AM with some close friends.
So, after realizing this I suited up in my seven year old pants with more holes in the crotch than I really feel comfortable saying, an old band tee, and sweatshirt before heading on over to the mall. It took a while but finally found something I liked but didn’t feel comfortable wearing completely. It looked nice but was more form fitting than I was used to. But, I sucked it up and bought it. It was neat, cheap, and I needed a shirt. To say the least, it’s become one of my favorites.
The next time I went, a few days later- I completely surprised myself. Not only did I come home with one thing, I came home with a lot of things. All the things I’ve had been looking at, debating if I should buy them or not, deciding not, and putting it back for “next time”. Well, it was next time and I wasn’t tight on cash for once. So, in the pretty plastic bag with a receipt they went. Treated myself to a new look, a nice hair cut, and phoned up a friend who has been trying to get me to bowl for god only knows how long. By the way, I completely suck at bowling. She beat me every time. But I did get a pretty sexy score of 69. All in all, these past few days have been good for me. Even with the bad. Sometimes it takes a little nudge to learn how to love yourself again.
- Christopher R. C.
When it’s time, you’ll know. And you’ll leave them all in awe.
And some days I just feel like smiling.
My First Session
On the 16th, I had my first session with an online gender therapist. I was so nervous, excited, and curious as to what it was going to be like. All rolled into a ball of paranoia. But I think it went pretty well as far as introductions go. We didn’t get into anything major, just talked until I felt more comfortable with them. It wasn’t too hard since they were laid back and very nice. I tend to be a very nit-pick typist when I’m nervous. Making sure everything is 100% perfect and taking FOREVER to do it. Kind of counter-productive when on the clock. Though I hope my RP-Buddies appreciate it in my posts. (Hi, Lisa! :D)
So, we made another appointment date for the 30th. Unfortunately due to my lack of money (no insurance either) and their large case load, I can only see them every other week. But I can already feel the nerves tensing. Can’t help but think, “Now that the introductions are out of the way, what are the other sessions going to be like?” We did talk a bit about some of the goals I had towards the end so maybe more about that and ways to go about doing it perhaps. And although I’m nervous, I’m also incredibly happy that I finally got started on moving forward with my transition.
Best of luck to those who are in similar boats as I am and remember to stay strong! It’ll happen.
- Christopher R. C.
Can a frown make a difference?
Today while at work, I was having a rather off mood and everything just seemed to annoy me. My hair wouldn’t stop falling into my eyes (time for a hair cut), every time I went to go do something, a swarm of customers came, which in turn had me running around in circles for eight hours, and I was extremely tired. But something didn’t fail to catch my attention.
Whenever I’m frowning, I seem to be addressed as Sir or He more than when I’m smiling or in a good mood. Once I realized this, it kind of threw me for a loop and raised the question in my mind. What makes people see me as male when i’m all sorts of pissed off rather than female? Are men more commonly thought of as unhappy than women are?
Now I’m not going to constantly look like I have a stick up my bum or put myself in a bad mood just to be thought of as biologically male but I do find it interesting and something to ponder over. I had one customer that addressed me as She yesterday but then came back today and once approaching the counter- stopped, stared, then apologized if they embarrassed me. He then proceeded to call me He, shake my hand, and then went on his way. This actually lifted up my mood quite a bit. And then all the She’s came piling up.
So.. All in all, you win some and you lose some but I try to keep in mind that one day I will have more masculine features and a hella good looking gotee.
- Christopher R. C.
jazforyoursmile asked: Hi! My name is Jazmin. I read your recent post on finally finding a therapist. Congratulations, bro! I'm happy for you. Now your long process can commence. On the same page, my boyfriend is also on the search for a therapist. He's 18 and just came out to his mom, who was understanding but non-supportive. I had read a little bit about online therapist, too, and like you, I immediately thought it was a scam. I was wondering if maybe you can pretty please refer me to some sites you found on online?
Hi, Jazmin. Thank you for the congratulations! It really is very exciting and i’ve been waiting for it for quite a long time now. As for referring to some websites- I would not mind sharing some of the places, information resources, and online counseling websites i’ve looked into at all. It would be my pleasure.
http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm
http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/Therapists.html
http://www.brandnewdaycounseling.com/
Those are lists of gender therapists all over the the U.S.A. as well as web counseling. I wish for the best of luck to your boyfriend and to remember that close only counts in horse-shoes and hand-grenades. Because bad counseling isn’t better than no counseling in my opinion.
Thank you for the question, hope my answer and the links are helpful.
- Christopher R. C.
Finding a therapist!
After what seemed like forever and a day, i’ve finally found someone who would be able to not only help and write recommendation letters but won’t break my very small bank. Yay! And the best part about it is, it’s online. That’s right. Online. At first when I read about online therapy, the first thing that came to mind was, “Scam.”. But after seeing a lot of good reviews/blogs that highly recommend this particular person and emailing them, it seemed like the most logical thing someone in my position could do. I do not drive yet (issues with the car and other annoying tid bits) and the most qualified person in my area is pretty far away. And cabs are.. well.. Let’s just say, 15 dollars for two miles then times that by about 10.. Each way. Yeah, no thanks.
But anyway, we’re going to be setting up the first appointment soon but there is a waiting list of about two to three weeks. Which I don’t mind waiting a bit longer if it means starting something i’ve been waiting to start for a very long time. I’m extremely excited, it almost feels like it isn’t real. All I need to do is talk with my manager about setting aside at least one set day for me to have off since my hours when I am working are all over the place. But then it’s show time.
This paycheck will probably be the most fulfilling one I will ever have as it will be used to go for finalizing my name change, starting therapy, and saving money to go to my fiancee. A lot of life changing events happening all with a single piece of paper. And I might throw in a new binder while i’m at it.. Seems to go with the whole theme and my tri-top is wearing out.
I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday and a Happy New Year! I know I will.
- Christopher R. C.
